you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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