i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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