I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
