I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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