Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
