Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
