So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
