Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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