the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I booty called her while she was in labor.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
