That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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