I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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