Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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