Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
