Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
