when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
