he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
