I accidentally burped into my bong.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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