If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
