I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
