He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
