just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
