can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
