we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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