The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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