no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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