so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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