I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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