well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
