Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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