Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
