The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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