Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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