im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
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