Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
