I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
