I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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