I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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