Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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