ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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