I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
