OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
