I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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