Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
