i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
