You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
