You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
