A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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