final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
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