Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
