Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
