Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
