Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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